The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
