She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
