I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
