you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
MIDGETS
????
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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