tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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