My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
