I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
