This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
