she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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