Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
