I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
