My first STD was from a foam party
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
