do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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