What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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