i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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