I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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