hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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