i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
