Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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