i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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