Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
