I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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