Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The ass gains better be worth it
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