My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
