My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
