Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
