I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
