Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
