I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
