No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
