I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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