i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
