i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
