in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
