Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
