I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
