thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
