I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize