dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
