so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
this boner is exhausting
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
