It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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