News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
we're so committed to being not committed
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
