I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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