Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize