M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
