God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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