last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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