dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
