if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
