Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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