so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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