Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
