Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
