i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
