I don't think brook has ever known best
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
