hell yes lets make some ravioli
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
