I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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