Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize