last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
