If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
