I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
