My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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