did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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