I wish I could punch you in the face.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
