Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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