I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
