oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
