In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize