Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
