So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You can't special order awesome
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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